Happiness and Relationships

I am at a time of my life, where I feel constant disappointment and paranoia of where things are going, what people are in my life, don't get me wrong, the past couple of weeks has been great to meet new people and become friends with them, but it had already led to disappointment through my decisions.

I'm grateful for the past couple of the months that has changed so much. My paranoia is my worst enemy and can take a long time before I can feel that something is going to change or for me to decide if i should change it around.
It's quite funny how I completely changed who I was when I first came to university, how I put my past and current problems at the back of my mind, but in the end, no matter how much you can hide, it will always come out , one way or another. My way was me drinking so much on my own, and breaking down when my friend came over to pick up some of her stuff. My current university friends know nothing about my past, just my present life , it's a nice change.

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I recently realised that happiness is a "state of mind", that you cannot be happy constantly however , you go towards your goals in order to change things around. It is impossible to reach full happiness because it'll will always lead back to where you first started.

So You take the opportunities and try and be confident.

I may not be happy right now, and this loneliness is hard to make it disappear, but I won't let it drag me down with it. It's okay to cry for a little bit, that's what i'm doing now while writing this, it's good to get it out before you sort things out.

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I'm not usually sad about guys and relationships, but I haven't felt like this since my "first relationship" . I suppose what hurts the most, is that he lied and is now in a relationship. I feel lonely and sad. It's weird because since what happened, i've always looked out for myself for 3 years, and for it all to just go back to how it was again. I don't want to go back to how i was, for i have worked so hard to get to this point. I feel like Joe from Eternal sunshine movie, where I fall for anyone who notices me and it shouldn't be like this.

Relationships are hard work and it's sad where people just play with someone's emotions, they could be fragile, or it could be the start of something.

I wish I couldn't be this emotional, but I'll wait for something else. I know better people will come around in my life. I wish it could get easier, but it's impossible when there are always other boundaries that come along.

Learning to cope on my own and keeping everything i've learnt so far but right now I feel disappointed.