There's a lot of thoughts going through my mind, words that are wanting to be said, that is hard to write down since yesterday. I'm not sure how to put it in to words.
Suicide is a touchy subject, perhaps it's due to the fact it's coming up to the 4th year since Daniel died, which is why i want to talk about this, I'm not sad anymore, but i do think about him, and our friendship.
Lately, people have come to me about suicidal thoughts, or I have seen it around tumblr. I haven't told anyone what I've been though with his suicide, but if you never been affected, you have no idea what you're putting yourself through and everything that happens after, the hurt that affects people that care about you, the things that happens in life after you're gone. Have you ever been so hurt and heart broken about someone's death -and i'm not talking about natural death, i mean suicide-,you couldn't move? I remember when Daniel died, and we came out of the hall that was this announcement of his death, and once outside, I was crying, I had no idea what happened, and how i got to the library but i couldn't stop crying i couldn't walk properly.
All i felt was my friends arms around me as she grabbed me from the crowd, and then i heard another group of friends calling my name, and i somehow went to them, it took a massive amount of effort because I loved him, he was one of my closest friends and my heart was broken. It affected me in a way that what I was going through at the time made it much more worse, it came to the point of wanting to commit suicide too, I was close too, and it was that split decision that made me stop. I promised him that I'll never kill myself because I saw the destruction of the aftermath and if any other friends did it, it would be my trigger.
Yes, Life goes on without you, but for that few hours, the next months, or even years, it's going to be painful for life that was once associated with you. You have an impact on someone's life, no matter who it is. You don't want to kill yourself, you just want something to change, to take away your misery. I'm not going to say how you are special so you shouldn't kill yourself. I have no idea what you're going through, but what I do know, is that death is beautiful, suicide is poison. You are clouded by your own negative thoughts and no matter what people say to you, to try and save you, you cannot hear what is being said to you, to try and help you. Noone can help you if you don't want to be saved.
Perhaps you're going through more than I'll ever realise, but it's time to grow up, and change things around, isn't that what you want? "I wish things could change, i hate being like this" , you say these words, but are you willing to change, or are you just going to stay in your comfort zone and not take the risks?
Who said it'll be easy? Life isn't easy, fuck it's one of the challenges you have to face, noone is stopping you from killing yourself. No one knew Daniel was going through problems, the last time we talked was when we were making plans. His death was unexpected, all that was left was rope and a letter. But who is to show you how you live your life and who and what to believe in but if for one moment, you could see yourself and what you are doing , you'll may find another way to get out and find something better, there is always second chances. No one promises you it will get better, but it will be different, new expectations, a different view from what you see now. Persevere and no matter how long it takes, keep striving on, it's going to take a long time, it won't be easy, but you can make it through.
On the subject of Daniel, it took me 4 years to learn , and so much has changed, I haven't forgotten about him but I no longer think about how his death has affected me, because that shows it is all i remember. I stopped listening to sad songs that makes me think of him, I'll remember the good memories I had with him, I'll remember the songs that we used to always sing and play out loud. It took me 4 years but I'm no longer heartbroken, I'm able to cope without him , sometimes I get sad but that's only normal.
Daniel Thompson, my friend, who used to joke all the time, time to remember the good memories, it's going to be okay.
It doesn't matter if no one reads this, but if it reaches to at least one person, then at least it affected someone in some kind of way.
Feel free. Expose yourself to everything. Be limitless.
If you read this, don't think that I know everything, I'm still struggling with many things, and it's taking a while, this story has cut out many things of what I went through, because I want to talk about you rather than me.
Labels: Coping with suicide, Hope, life, Love, Suicide
