Whilst walking around Edinburgh, I saw this scribbled with chalk on the wall. I went to Edinburgh because I needed a break. This may be a cliche message but it's always nice to see when something positive comes along. Life right now is slow, but eventually it's only up to me to change it around,i can't wait for it to change for me and that's what is the most frustrating.

Perspective

I need a new perspective in what I see myself as in this current world, where I should be and what i should do. My future is wavering, and I'm scared what is going to happen. I'm going through so many emotions right now, that all i did today, was sleep and my emotions are creating a barrier again to want to do anything. I feel lately this is another teenage angst blog, but in reality ,I am 21 years old, trying to find a job like everyone else, frustrated with life and where it is going and the only way to fill that in is with alcohol.

A lot of things can change in a week, how emotions can instantly falter. This week has been bad, and has been slow. Nothing has been happening so far just constant disappointment, in looking for jobs, people letting me down, personally and professionally. Loss of inspiration and motivation. I can't keep doing this anymore, i need to clear my head.

I wish it could be this simple

Today, we left the bar early and went home, we were bored, and nothing was really happening. Both sad, and not up for spending time, drinking. When I saw you, I didn't think I would still feel hurt, but i did, noone noticed it though, which was good, we acted like normal and hi5ed because if i did anything more than h5 like talking or hugging..it would hurt. I couldn't help looking your way and I hated every second and maybe it was intentional or that they realised what i just went through, my friends asked me to go to this meeting that turned out to be interesting, and for dinner, and it was nice.

I felt lonely today, and I'm confused, although I should have seen this coming, I should have let my guard up, I ended up falling for the guy that noticed me first.

I can't wait for the trip to Edinburgh.

I take breaks when I can't handle anything. I go on trips to sort myself out and think about what needs to be done. I'm not running away from my problems, only taking them with me to a place that will give me comfort.

I'm going to Edinburgh next week, and it's like apart from Leicester, I always feel at home here. I love this place, and it makes me feel inspired.

Happiness and Relationships

I am at a time of my life, where I feel constant disappointment and paranoia of where things are going, what people are in my life, don't get me wrong, the past couple of weeks has been great to meet new people and become friends with them, but it had already led to disappointment through my decisions.

I'm grateful for the past couple of the months that has changed so much. My paranoia is my worst enemy and can take a long time before I can feel that something is going to change or for me to decide if i should change it around.
It's quite funny how I completely changed who I was when I first came to university, how I put my past and current problems at the back of my mind, but in the end, no matter how much you can hide, it will always come out , one way or another. My way was me drinking so much on my own, and breaking down when my friend came over to pick up some of her stuff. My current university friends know nothing about my past, just my present life , it's a nice change.

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I recently realised that happiness is a "state of mind", that you cannot be happy constantly however , you go towards your goals in order to change things around. It is impossible to reach full happiness because it'll will always lead back to where you first started.

So You take the opportunities and try and be confident.

I may not be happy right now, and this loneliness is hard to make it disappear, but I won't let it drag me down with it. It's okay to cry for a little bit, that's what i'm doing now while writing this, it's good to get it out before you sort things out.

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I'm not usually sad about guys and relationships, but I haven't felt like this since my "first relationship" . I suppose what hurts the most, is that he lied and is now in a relationship. I feel lonely and sad. It's weird because since what happened, i've always looked out for myself for 3 years, and for it all to just go back to how it was again. I don't want to go back to how i was, for i have worked so hard to get to this point. I feel like Joe from Eternal sunshine movie, where I fall for anyone who notices me and it shouldn't be like this.

Relationships are hard work and it's sad where people just play with someone's emotions, they could be fragile, or it could be the start of something.

I wish I couldn't be this emotional, but I'll wait for something else. I know better people will come around in my life. I wish it could get easier, but it's impossible when there are always other boundaries that come along.

Learning to cope on my own and keeping everything i've learnt so far but right now I feel disappointed.