Learning and focusing

It's always nice, that despite not always talking , it's good you still consider me to be your friend. I know how busy you are and we're never around, it feels nice that a friendship like this doesn't change especially of how much we've been through. I learnt not to rely on you anymore, and it doesn't make me stressed anymore, wondering if you still care or not when I know you do. I suppose I don't want to lose the one friend that lead me out of my shell and changed so many things for both of us, but I guess it's okay because nothing has changed between us.

Focusing on the good things, and learning to get to where I want. I stopped writing and playing guitar because of lack of motivation. I'm gonna start again, because I need to do something with my life, to improve , to be something better. There's a lot more I need to do, but i'm learning.

Focusing on becoming happy.

Waiting

A year from now

I've been thinking about the last couple of years since I turned 18, how every year things have changed, that I was never in the same place, i was constantly moving forward, everything has changed and i'll never go back to how I was then.

Today I realised a year ago, I was a total mess, skip to this year, I'm recovering and basically, I've found two jobs, studying what I always loved doing, and despite the friends that I no longer have, I am always gaining new ones.

I question a lot what will happen next year, if it's gonna get better, if friendships will still stay the same, that being 22 gives me more responsibility.

I have no idea what's going to happen, but I have so much more motivation and ambition than how i was a year ago.

Keep trying, keep moving on.

Frustration

Back to the start, frustrated and losing motivation.

I know that everything right now is building up to something that could be worth while.

But right now, I feel like giving up.

Forgiveness

When forgiveness comes in to play, there's either two things that it can do

1. You feel more free and you try to make amends

2. You won't talk to them again even when you forgive them.

I saw your video that you updated on to your youtube, maybe i shouldn't have watched it because now it's reminded of how we use to be, and even though we never had that official term, but we were close and we were together until things happened.

Maybe the reason why I am the way that I am, is because i've never forgiven you despite that i thought it wouldn't affect me in any single way, but it did and it messed up a lot of changes. At the same time, it was the start of new change, people came in to my life , taught me to see the world in different ways, taught me not to be naive and that life is constantly changing.

Grateful is a word to show appreciation.

Today is one of those days where I feel like giving up and just lie in my bed all day doing nothing because of no opportunities coming my way and constant rejection.

Maybe I should go out like I said I would today, and not go back to how I use to be, not creating chances even when I acknowledged my problems.

I'm going to take my camera because apart from alcohol, that's the one thing that makes me feel less stressed and more creative.

Build yourself up

Build yourself up to be better but don't set yourself up for failure.

This is what I've learnt recently, that you could be so positive in knowing you could reach that far, you could try as hard as you can ,but eventually it could go two ways. One it could happen, or two, it could happen but you may crash and burn in the process.

Build yourself up to be better by learning to be confident, to know that there will be barriers but you keep pushing through. Build yourself up by using your own initiative, do what you want and do it in a way you know.

There are many things such as friendships that can be flawed from the beginning as soon as you find it, but you can also make and change it around , it will always be hard work but sometimes the result is worthwhile.

I can tell for me, that this friendship was flawed from the beginning and it's starting to waver, and it was always going to end in some kind of way, but i'll wait it out , i'm just grateful for everything we've been through and all the good memories and chats we had to help eachother up.

Like i said before all good things come to an end, and it may be sad but be grateful for what you had, and maybe in the future, there will be something better.

Persistence

"You can't buy persistence,you build it up through trials"

I went to church the other sunday, and these words stood out in the message, not in a christian way, but in relation to my life right now.

Recently, I've been learning not to give up even when hard trials come my way, when things fail , when friendship are fucked. To keep persevering through everything. To keep persisting despite the barriers that get in the way of what you want.

I'm always learning to get better , to build and get through what I want in my life. So far, i'm getting somewhere with my photography, aswell as the fact , of finding a job. I want to achieve something in my life, to get somewhere as far as to say it it can't get better than this.

Persistence through trials and learning how to get through it.

One thing I know is that, I'm not going to give up

Current goals

(Not in the right order)

1. Make a photo wall?

2. Make a shelf wall containing jars of things. Cube shelves

3. Buy loads of posters

4. Get a job

6. Meet new people and not dislike them straight away

7. Make a video of self discovery in London with doll mannequin with a poem over it.

8. Make up for lost time

9. Be happy.

All good things come to an end ( and other things)

All good things come to an end, wherever it may be simple things like a concert that you don't want to end, or the things that matter the most to you, friendships and relationships, people.

I've been realising a lot of these things lately, the past year, how no matter how much you don't want these things to leave your life, it will eventually. It can happen out of the blue, or just that it will gradually fade out of your life and you don't realise until later. You question a lot about why it had to end, and sometimes these questions won't be answered.

It's sad, but we all have to move on, and to try find something else to replace that thing. Maybe one day, it will come back to you when you least expect it and that's a good thing. Sometimes, that has happened to me, such as a friendship that I didn't think would come back in my life, after many years. Our friendship is flawed but it is always good to have someone that understands you and knows where you are coming from just as I am to them. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I know at some point it will be okay. Things may fade out of time, but I had good memories.

I feel sad right now and tired but eventually something else will come in to my life and will bring an impact in my life just as the previous thing. There will be a day when I can say I'm finally okay with my life but for now, I'll keep striving towards my goals and persevere no matter how hard it gets.

Learning to be patient.

Confidence

I think that's my problem, my lack of confidence that stops me from taking opportunities that fall on my lap. When something is too good to be true, I doubt and feel that it's not real, but in the end i'm always proved wrong.

Even now, i'm not taking the opportunity to go to my interview for the cinema, because I woke up, thinking that I was too good for that job, and the money wasn't good enough, when in reality , i'm just the same as everyone else. Who gave me the right to say that i'm better than people?

I always tell people to take the opportunity because another one may not come along, I always say that things will eventually happen. This is my happening and I'm wasting it away.

From now on I will:

• Answer phone numbers that I don't know of
• Go to interviews even when I don't want to
• Take the opportunity and wrap it around.
• Get better in everything I do in order to get somewhere in my life
• Improve myself as a person
• Make better decisions even when I doubt.

Reminiscent

I feel sad, I always do when i think of you. Not because I won't ever see you again, but because our memories are just photos and sad songs that cannot be carried on. I miss you, you should know that I'll always miss you. I can't watch the video I made of you without crying, which is why I never watched the video again after I made it and showed everyone. I should be happy, that your pain is no longer hurting you, that you're somewhere out there , having fun. I know that you're proud of me, that I kept my promise, I'm still alive aren't I?

I can't listen to certain songs without being reminded of you, I'm not bitter , It's a kind of happy sad for you. Sometimes I see you and it catches me off guard, and I'm never sure what to do next. If i could have shown you what life could be like, maybe it would never have made a difference, but it's something right?

I'll always miss you. I find you some day, look for me.

Wait for me.

I love you always.

Change

I just saw a picture on facebook that was taken back in 2008, it's been 5 years since I've seen any of these people since we all left school. We use to be friends, we use to talk every day.

It's strange how I don't socialise at all with them anymore, well it's not strange, it's more i stopped caring about them and that i've moved on from them. I don't need them anymore. I was best friends with some of them.

Every single person including myself in that picture has changed , some have turned bisexual, some have kids, some are wasting their money just clubbing, some are working, there's only two of us in that whole picture who is going to university, some are engaged.

High school was the worst years for me, and I'm glad I got out of it, I didn't improve at all in that school, nor had the capability to understand and move on.

There's only one person i'm talking to from school, and he left in year 8 and then came back in my life 8 years later , he's helped a lot in my life more than any of my so called friends had then.

I see this picture, and see that noone has any ambitions, to do something with their lives, and it makes me realise, how much i just want to keep moving on and change a lot of things around. The last time i bumped in to anyone was when we were at the pub, and I saw a guy who is now a cleaner for macdonalds.

I'm determined to do something with my life and not just stop right here.

I hated everything I use to be , and I'm glad i've changed from that point of my life.

This post sounds out of anger, but I pity a lot of people at school, who just decided to stay at some point in their lives and not willing to change it around.

"It’s all success if it’s what you need Do what you like and do it honestly"

Photography has always been my strong point, I feel that in a way, i'm more intellectual in the creative way. I'm getting better in photography, not because I have a SLR camera, but i'm understanding more how to use a camera, how play around, how to take photos.

I'm grateful that I have more people that help more in this, to give me advice.

It's my way of feeling free, to inspire, to show people there is a story behind my photos, whenever I feel stressed, i'll go out somewhere and take photos.

So what i'm trying to say, if you want to get where you want to be you have to try your best, to not give up, because one day, that could be your career. I have one friend who really understands what I want with my life, a lot of people are really laid back and they sit back and just let life float away. I don't want to be like that anymore, I want to inspire and help people in the only way i can, through photos and words.

I know it's not about money and more about happiness as money doesn't buy happiness, but right now I need money to be stable enough for my own being, to be able to move out, to be able to travel, rent my own flat. I want to earn my own money and not depend on people anymore, I want to be able to achieve something in my life.

I'll get there eventually.

But for now, I have an interview at the Cinema on wednesday.

I've restarted this blog because I feel it's more private than my other blogs.

I've also deleted every blog post I've written on here since 2006, because I hated the way I wrote the blog posts, I hated how cringy I was at 16.

So here's to the new start on blogging on another site.

I'm going to be writing about how much I will progress over the next 8 months, quite specific as I have 8 months of doing nothing , it's more like half of a gap year before I go back to university to study Photography.

I'm in need in motivation and inspiration so maybe writing a blog that noone has found me on will be the right step and be more comforting.

Life is on the rise, and it's getting better, we'll see what will happen in the next few months.